Childhood Trauma

Just last night I had a revelation that most of my personal problems can probably be traced to the psychological trauma resulting from the childhood experience of waiting in line for the urinals at Brewers games at Milwaukee County Stadium in the 80s. I don't mean that anything unusual happened there, just an innocent 8 year old Jewish kid surrounded by a bunch of drunk goyim, overhearing their conversations. I can't describe the experience, if you've been there you know it. Ok, maybe it's not the root of all my problems, but I'm sure it played a key role.

Simchas Torah Frustration

It is, in my opinion, the job of the Torah-im-Rock'n'roll ("TIR") leadership to be melamed zechus on average Orthodox Jews - the Jews who eat too much cholent and then pass out while their wives are left watching the children themselves all afternoon; the Jews who need to buy motorcycles for thrills; and the Jews who stand around talking through the hakafos on Simchas Torah.

But please, help me! How do I view these Jews favorably? You know - the ones who appear healthy all year long, but seem to suffer from assorted knee injuries, rotator cuff problems and asthma whenever people try to break out into dance?

Dancing is really amazing - its one of the only things you can't really fake. You can read words from a siddur, but not really daven. You can go to a shiur, and space out. But to dance - not simply shuffle - there is no way to fake that. Either you are filled with an energy when dancing, or not.

Maybe this is why the average TIR Jew simply skips out on hakafos. Because the emotion and energy are too much for him. If he were into it, he simply would no longer be a TIR Jew?

Thoughts?

Torah U'Pop Culture

It is exceedingly hard not to be lonely, where nearly every mussar shmooze denouces the evil influence of "non-Torah" ideas, culture, music, literature, etc. While often referred to as "kineged HaTorah", it seems a hard sell to claim anything not written by a godol is opposite of Torah values.

In fact, why are these the only options: 1) Torah values, 2) Opposite of Torah values ???

Why can't there just be 'things.' You know, things: a novel about nothing important, a song whose lyrics you can barely hear (let alone understand), or a celebrity who facinates you more so because their story has no moral value.

Torah U'Pop Culture.

Ok, fine - I admit it: Twisted within a lot of meaningless stuff are messages - when taken seriously, as serious as The Gospel - that contain actions forbidden by Halacha. But who takes this stuff seriously? I am not a 14-year-old girl. I don't.

I won't even claim that I use pop culture as a means to find metaphors for Torah values, blah, blah, blah....I enjoy these things because they interest me. And things that interest me make me happy. And if they contain actions forbidden by Halacha, there is no inclination to trust the p'sak of Thom Yorke (or D.H. Lawrence, or Atom Egoyan) over the Chofetz Chaim and Rav Moshe. The former can't even make a laynus on a daf.

Who wants drown in pure truth, when there is so much more in the world?

God, grant me the serenity to appreciate things;
Courage to react when wrong p'sak is being presented;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

From the Mouths of Daughters

"Abba - girls go to shul on Shabbos. They're not allowed to go to shul during the week."

"I smell like fish."

"I'm a really good sink turner-offer"

Things I learned on Yom Kippur

1) There are some really strange (and awesome) Jews out there, and they show up in shul on Yom Kippur.

2) Sometimes it can be good to daven in a minyan where they need to call out the page numbers every 5 minutes, and where the chevra can't figure out when to open the Aron.

3) Reading Baal Shem Tov stories in bed during the break on Yom Kippur, while drifting in and out of sleep, is a taste of the next world...

Two Kinds of Yom Kippur

There are two types of Yom Kippur.

There is the Yom Kippur experienced by a Jew who is drowning - drowning is health problems, parnossa problems, children problems, addiction problems - or even drowning in tragedy.

There is also the Yom Kippur experienced by a Jew who is healthy, whose family is healthy, who has a good job and beautiful children and for whom life is, generally, all good.

Two completely different days...

Old Age and Dementia

My grandfather passed away recently. Without dwelling on the topic, the last few years of his life were tragic, as the family watched our beloved father and grandfather slowly deteriorate from the great man that he was into a non-communicative state of minimal function and great suffering. The thought of it makes one think of where we are ultimately headed and generally does not engender warm fuzzy feelings.

This past Rosh HaShanah I had the privilege of pushing an older gentleman in his wheelchair to and from shul a number of times. This man apparently just recently, in the past month or two, began to demonstrate symptoms of dementia, to the obvious great distress of his family. I was aware of this from the outset, but not knowing him very well beforehand, was not really disturbed by this. On our first walk, I learned that he was born in Cracow in the 20s, was in a few concentration camps during the war, was transported to Frankfurt by U.S. troops upon liberation, where he found a small reconstructed Jewish community and he remained until 1951 when he immigrated to the states, met his wife, raised a family, etc. His only surviving relative was his father, whom he was reunited with 2 years after liberation. He apparently remained observant the entire time. I earned great respect for this man in our conversations, and I felt we both enjoyed these conversations, despite his asking me the same questions on almost every walk, and other similar blunders indicating the unfortunate deterioration of his mind.

Others who know him well remarked sadly how brilliant he was, his wife expressed her torment. But given the context of my introduction to him, I wasn't disturbed by the situation. I was viewing the present moment, not the past. It is what it is, and it is unfortunate, but he is still a man with feelings and many other distinctively human capacities, and I was glad to be able to transport him to shul, have some nice conversation with him, make him smile, feel good, etc. He was quite grateful as well and expressed so numerous times.

I later reflected on this experience as compared to how I related to my grandfather in his final years. Granted, my grandfather was more debilitated and probably suffering to a much greater extent. But reality is such that many of us will end our lives in a debilitated state, to some extent or another, we have resistance to accepting that, but we can't change it. I wished that I could have related to my grandfather in partial disregard of the giant of the man he used to be, only focusing on who he is now, his current existence. Perhaps I could have focused more on making him smile instead of the horror that consumed me in not even knowing if he knew who I was anymore.

I told my wife, if I ever go that way, please, don't even think about what I was and get distraught about my condition in relation to the past. Just focus on who I am at that moment. Make me laugh, smile, make my life a positive experience, give me an opportunity to give to others and remain human despite my existence as compared to my earlier self.